My little known formulas for life.

I am rolling it all out for you tonight. Many people think I am very complicated, when in essence I am quite simple. So for all of you who have spent years trying to figure it all out here it goes. BTW you that don't know me that well have to close your browser now...EG

I believe there is one and only formula that creates love in a relationship, and in works in EVERY relationship. Friends, lovers, family, children, you name it. Easy formula, deep thoughts. You can't have love if you don't have ALL three of the elements. I also believe that if you break one of these values you break the heart. You can't have a healthy relationship with someone if you only have part of the combo.

Honesty + Respect + Trust = Love OR Honesty = Respect = Trust = Love

I also don't believe in "good listeners" I believe that when you listen you are just observing the sounds around you. I believe that when you hold someone in your HEART you HEAR what they have to say, and yes I believe the word were spelled that way for a reason. So at some point you probably will or have heard me say that "you hear w/ your heart".

In my world courtesy is not just common, it is constant. In fact I have been told by many a person that I give too much of myself once you are endeared to me. Which I guess brings me to giving rather than receiving. I loved to do that.

Both of the above lead me to discuss random acts of kindness or "Paying It Forward" as said in the movie. Excellent flick by the way, actually it was fucking great! (Sorry you didn't get to see the end yet baby. It is in the top of my Netflix cue just for you!) I guess the most memorable one I ever performed was during a major snowfall here in KY. I was coming down the expressway with two or three people in my car and my godson. The road was a mess we got something like 6 inches of snow in two hours. There were cars off the road everywhere. For some reason I got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I saw a minivan furiously spinning their tires in the median. I looked beyond the van and there was a jeep full of guys trying to get the van driver to stop and coming with them. I never looked at the van driver. I whipped the car over to the side of the highway (with much surprise to my passengers) crossed all four lanes of I-275 and approached the drivers side of the van. There was a woman at the wheel, she had the deer in the headlights look. I told the guys in the jeep she wasn't interested and they could go somewhere else to try and make a buck. I looked at the lady and said I am headed to Waffle House (ROFL) in Erlanger I can take you that far. She sheepishly accepted and asked me could I just drop her off at Frisch's (Our local version of Big Boy). I remember that woman the way she looked, and what she said to me when she got out of my car that day. She cried at my kindness, and I remember at the time wondering why. My friends of course explained it to me and backed it up with a "I would never have done that!". The woman tried repetitively to give me some unearthly amount of money. I refused, and still would today. I firmly believe that this giving side of me is what has carried me through the darkest hours of my life. By the way, if you are reading this I challenge you to perform a random act of kindness with in the next three days. I bet many of you will find it hard to do. (By the way Meg, I accepted your invitation to do just that I will send the details to you next week.)

FAMILY FIRST! That is the next topic I am going to tackle. I grew up in a My God, my country, my family type of house hold. I am very similar to that today, except my country ass needs to put My truck in there...NOT I have gone through MANY, MANY different seasons concerning my family. (The following statements are not regarding the wife and kid, but the extended family.) I have longed to have them far away, and longed even more to have them close. I have gone through droughts and downpours of their presence. I have made it their business and kept it from being their business. That is the way it goes. I have a HUGE family. Mom is 1 of 14, that's right FOURTEEN, 7 boys & 7 girls. Dad is one of 11. Need I say more, both side of my family are horndogs! Anyhow, with that big of a family it is like the Jerry Springer show a lot of times at family functions. Minus, the hitting, MOST of the time...LOL We are COUNTRY!

What I was getting to is the reason why family became first, and why my time became so valuable to me. First off, I believe that a lot of time was wasted in my life pre-program. I was at the mercy of my parents until I worked it, and oh how true it is that it works if you work it. Anyway, I saw this after making it through the steps the first time. The steps taught me how to see through the bullshit. That gave ME value!

Time became valuable to me on a mid June day almost three years ago. (Don't stop reading Tosh, just don't click the link.) What changed me is this story about my three cousins click here. No need to say much else. That would make any normal person realize the value of life & time. During the time in my life that this accident occurred I flew back and forth to work EVERY week from KY to VA. I spent countless hours of my life in airports and on airplanes. I LOVE aviation, and I love to travel, but I don't love it more than my family and the precious time God has given me to spend with them. Any given member of my family could call me and say they want to see me tomorrow, if the needed me I would be right there. As in yesterday. I have grieved and mourned over many people family, friends, and strangers, but there is just something about knowing a life that has just begun has suddenly ended. I thought of my own child and how that would make me feel, suddenly there wasn't enough time in the day, and MY career didn't matter so much anymore. All that mattered was making sure that he knew I loved him, and that I had enough hours in the day to make this a value he will carry on.

I have allowed you to see me for who I truly am in this VERY vulnerable moment and it seems the door has been open long enough for tonight. I am moving on into Thursday. Perhaps tomorrow, a HNT posting.

God Speed Everyone.

Slowing down.

Have you ever been going at life so hard you turn around and it runs right past you? I am pretty sure that is why I have not been having much inspiration. I have been taking a lot of pictures so that I can bank roll the money and I have been working extra days this month to be off next month. The closer it gets to dooms days the harder it gets for me to go to work.

I have only one day off this week, but then I go back to work for two nights and have four off. I am looking forward to slowing down. Mmmmmm, PJ's with a good movie, and some coffee. Man I can't wait. I might even have a book IF snail mail ever brings it.

I do well at work when it busy, I pay closer attention to detail. At home the result is just the opposite. I need calm, and structure, and serenity. It is absolute that I make time for myself. The other morning I got up to an empty house read my e-mail and then did my usual blog check. The quiet was nice. I actually drank my coffee from a glass cup rather than the normal to go cup. When it was time to get ready for work I grabbed the bomb's, hauled it into the bathroom and blasted it while I showered. Though this few hours was nice it was only a taste of what I really need. I will be running nonstop until Monday of next week so I don't know if I will have much inspiration until then.

I feel a storm brewing inside, but I don't know what it is about, and the dreams that have been coinciding with the storm are VERY freaky. The have been causing me fear. There are few things I fear and one of them is SPIDERS, that's what I keep dreaming about. I also have been noticing them all over the place lately. It probably doesn't help that I got bitten by one about this time last year. Horse pills for two weeks! Oh well.

I just know my soul isn't at ease right now, I feel the urge to cry, a migraine is trying to start and these are always cues to bad things happening in some area of my life. On a sidenote I think it is NOT job related. Oh well for today, I have spoken/written all I can. Good night all, I will see you again tomorrow.

Blogger's Block

Gonna try that. I'll be back.

Laziness

Laziness has set in & I don't know what to type, thanks to a lack of inspiration. So here are some funny things I found by typing words into google images search.

I typed addiction:

I typed in gratitude:

I typed in 12 steps:

After this one I had to stop, from laughing so hard. Tomorrow, I will try to write something meaningful.

Have I told you lately?

Have I told you lately that...

1. I HATE chain e-mails!
2. I got my invoice for a possible HOME game playoff session for the Bengals.
3. I have been blessed with a HUGE amount of appointments for portraits.
4. It is great that I am making the extra cash to store up for my lay off.
5. I have a few long weekends coming up in December.
6. I am planning a week long trip to Hawaii in January (laid off or not).
7. I want a new Bengals jersey. (The one I have has a persons name who now plays for the Seahawks.)
8. I started sex talk w/ my son. FUNNY story!
9. I have two new nieces.
10. I have lived a full 32 years, and have loved almost every moment of the last ten of those years.
11. I still secretly root for teams other than the Bengals...(Sorry the Pats aren't one of them. EG)
12. I coach my son's basketball team.
13. I have contemplated suicide in my lifetime.
14. I was a victim of physical, mental, verbal and sexual abuse at sometime in my life.
15. I am grateful to be alive everyday for those very reasons.
16. I have a musical library in my head (according to msmegnolia).
17. I love to curse MORE than a sailor.
18. I am NOT a morning person.
19. My favorite Genre of music is the '80s.
20. My favorite album of all time is probably Pink Floyd's The Wall.
21. My favorite song of all time is...Sorry that one is inconceivable for me. I would have to have like a top 5.
22. My favorite film type is horror.
23. I was raised in a VERY christian household...(Shhh, don't tell anyone, but that's why I cuss so much. I am making up for lost time.)
24. I probably have as many "Top Five" lists as John Cusak in High Fidelity. By the way if you haven't seen it YOU NEED TO!
25. I am tired of listing shit here and I am out PEACE!

One holiday down, ONE TO GO!

I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving Day & day after. I have thoroughly enjoyed have my friends from Illinois here for the weekend. Thursday was relatively uneventful until late in the evening...(what can I say I knew the "victim" would eventually say LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME!)

I really, really wish mumsy would deal with her demons. I would love to slap her right in the head with the Ala-non big book. She was divorced from my alcoholic father 22 YEARS ago, that's right folks not minutes, hours, days, or even weeks; but YEARS ago. Come on now, I love my mom but she has got to get a reality check. My father has been living w/ the same woman for 20 years now, and married her too.

I talk openly about my past around my dearest friends, and most of my family, but mom will say "we really shouldn't talk about that". Or if we do manage a conversation about it she tells me "that's not how it happened". To which I have learned to reply "well mother, that's why my therapist said it was best we were all treated seperately then as a unit." He told me that "each family member will remember or see each and every situation differently. It's not that one of your stories or their stories are wrong, it is just the way your mind, heart, and soul chose to capture that moment."

I truly agree with him. My brother and I have talked indepthly about the events of our childhood, and he either remembers things very differently from me or doesn't recall them at all. However, neither one of us live in the past the way our mother does. I do see my brother annoys me because he is still playing a role he learned from our mom in regard to his wife(enabler).

Moving on, the point I was trying to express here is that mom makes my holidays hell. Every year I get to hear "You don't love me!" You don't respect me!" I would love to just be a royal bitch one time and offer the followin: Children learn by example don't they? (Yes) Well then how can I give you the love and respect you seem to think you deserve when don't give to yourself? She would shit herself if I ever said that!

So Turkey day has come and gone, and I mastered a plan for Christmas. We are having a family outing this year, instead of a family gathering. This takes us out of her comfort zone for bitchiness, and places her in the PC zones. I hope it works. My brother & I have decided that if it does we are going to make it an annual event. Is there a manipulator role?

HAPPY TURKEY DAY!

Hope your Turkey has a body like this...rofl

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Pre-Turkey Day...

I woke up this morning to flurries flying. I thought this was wonderful. I ran a few errands, and trotted off to my first portrait appointment. Upon my arrival I spotted this little guy looking at me through the trees.

I thanked my HP for reminding me of my Uncle (he loved cardinals), and told HP how grateful I was to have such a well traveled, God fearing Reverand in my life. He was wonderful to my Aunt, and loved her like no other ever has or could. He was the largest male influence in my son's life. I know that my son misses him tremendously, and I can't even begin to imagine all of the reasons why.

The snow was so beautiful laying upon the trees and grass this morning. I just wish there would have been a little more so I could have gotten my annual family snowman photo in. :)

Have a great Thanksgiving everyone! I will post some Turkey Day fun tomorrow. Enjoy!

This will help me get through today...

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK....

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.

Morning Coffee

Today my morning coffee was as normal. In front of the computer checking e-mails, reading blogs, and debating my own writings for the day. My postings haven't come from me or my heart since I found out that I am getting laid off. My life has been in a state of uncertainty lately and I can't deal with that. I am a VERY analytical Virgo. I always like to know what is going to happen, and when I don't know I usuall have back up plans B, C, D, & E already worked out. (If you are a Virgo you know what I am talking about!)

Anyway, HP had a better plan for me. I always read the three blogs linked off of mine every morning. First I went to Megs, then Julie's, and the JJ's. Sorry but that deserved a pause. I read her blog and it was HEAVY (make sure you go read it...wait not yet finish mine first). Just like when Vic sent me the e-mail that I posted here the man upstairs said "Hey lady somewhere in the world somebody has it worse than you GET OVER IT I will take care of you."

The post almost brought me to tears. There are many reasons why it almost did, but the big one was the realization that I had felt like that little boy growing up my alcohol controlled envioronment. Another was realizing why I hated uncertainty so much. My household was never predictable. You cold do what was "right" yesterday and today it would cause you to get beat.

I read this somewhere the other day "I will live today like there is no tomorrow, because there wasn't one yesterday." That is what I will have to do to get through the next month and a half of reporting to a job I won't have as of Jan. 2.

Thanks for all of the encouragement I have been getting. You guys are great. Today I am going to do something different, and list a few things here that I want to share. I often rant on here, or offer my opinionated view of the world, but today I am going to open a new door.

1. Thank you baby for putting up with my irritable ass while I go through my rainbow of emotions lately. I appreciate you sooooo much.
2. Thank you Meg for linking JJ's blog to yours, if it weren't for you I wouldn't have had an "AH-HA" moment this morning.
3. Thank you SO much JJ for your post this morning!
4. Thank you son for accepting the molding that J & I have given you. You had a big day yesterday even though your team lost you still showed me how much you appreciate what we work hard to give you.
5. Thank you Mammaw Mae for always telling me that "God is a good God" and that when we think he is allowing something to hurt us the most that it is really him trying to show us that he made is in his design. That we can handle anything he lays upon us.
6. Thank you Dave for hooking up your girl with the little gift in the mail. I take back all the curses I said before the doorbell rang.

I will be thankful for so much more than this on Thanksgiving this year. Atleast I think I will. I have never had a Thanksgiving that I have been allowed to thoroughly enjoy. Last year came close, but the "victim" couldn't let me enjoy it. This year I am taking control of Christmas & Turkey Day. I will not allow BS to go on in my home. I can't allow it right now. I need the patience of Job during the holidays...lol

Poop Etiquette @ Work

Got this in an e-mail today & had to share it. HILARIOUS!!!

Poop Etiquette at WorkAs much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP isinevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, the following is thesurvival guide for taking a Poop Dump at the office.

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so thesmell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't knowwhere it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until thefull fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smellhas left your pants.

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in andcheck for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave andcome back again. Be careful not to become a 'FREQUENT FLYER'. People maybecome suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal orforcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden waveof embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in theurinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It isuncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes bothparties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machinegunpace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If thisshould happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has leftthe bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hitsthe water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink upthe bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the

WALK OFSHAME.WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after youhave just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable momentif someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretendthat the smell does not exist. This can be minimized with the use of theCOURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proudof it. You will often see an Out Of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroomwith a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around theoffice for the Out Of the Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

SAFE HAVENS: Seldom used bathrooms somewhere in the building where youcan least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of theopposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper enteringyour bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall andtries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking andvulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If thisoccurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way youwill avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroomthat you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or toalert potential Turd Burglars. This is very effective when used inconjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglarsthat you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stallis occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately sothe pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toiletwater. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermeloncoming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashesin the toilet water, often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using aCamo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Thisindividual could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror orsitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on thecrapper. Don't be one!

THE PRIME DIRECTIVE: You should always wait to poop until the bathroom isempty, benefiting you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

Pink Slips (Part Duece)

I swore I wouldn't write about this, but it's driving me crazy. It is now official, I have been given the slip. I am praying that this is God's way of moving me onto something better. It is a really hard pill to swallow, but I have no other choice. I am not in control of this situation. Please pray with me that I may find the job that is the right fit for me. I don't know when my last day is, it will be sometime between 12/5/05 and 1/6/06.

I am not looking for sympathy in posting this, just an outlet of emotion. Please don't apologize or send your condolences. I have been lucky this far in my industry. This should have caught up with me a while ago. All I want from my readers is to be kept in your thoughts and prayers.

I am off to try and get some sleep for work tomorrow. The hardest days are ahead of me whilst I am still employed. It will become very hard to continue to show up at a job that I may not have tomorrow. I need patience and serenity. I have a feeling I know what I will be saying MANY times a day the next few weeks.

Love, Peace, and Hair Grease,
KC

Achy Breaky Friday...lol

I am sore as hell this morning. I started another home improvement project yesterday. It shouldn't have taken me very long, but it ended up taking me ALL day. Usually I don't like to invest that much time into anything. However, as I was cutting (cussing, throwing, and hating) the carpet tiles I had an AH-HA moment . I realized I am investing into MY home that I share with MY family. The house just keeps becoming more & more beautiful everyday. We are so close to having it done that I can't stand it. Soon I will have photos on the wall & place to just relax that doesn't need anything other than the occasional cleaning.

I will probably be back later to post a more mentally stimulating post. As my dear friend says MAKE IT A GREAT DAY EVERYONE!

I SEE YOU!

What makes varnish disappear?

enter Jeopardy theme; do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do


NO, this isn't a home improvement post. I am not asking you to send me e-mail on my wood furniture. I am asking to show you how much we over analyze (especially us Virgo's WEG).
My son asked me this question tonight and I spent a good few moments pondering his query before he looked at my quizzically & said "Mom, you take out the R." "Get it, it makes it say VANISH!"

I laughed at myself and thought "Aaaah the days of simpler lives." Sometimes being a productive member of society sucks out loud. I think that is what complicates all our lives. I KNOW that is why I go to Red River Gorge every chance I get. I love to be "unplugged" from the rigor ram or of the world. I like no phone, no TV, no nothing but tunes. That is how it was growing up. We'd be out on the porch listening to the elders sing w/ or w/o a guitar playing.

I am a gadget QUEEN! Those damn 12 step slogans are there for a reason though, and damn it if I didn't have to learn that the hard way. KEEP IT SIMPLE or KISS if you want to throw a slander in with it. Technology gives us so much at one time that I find that we are no longer “Runnin’ round like chickens w/ their heads cut off.” As we say here in Kentucky, rather we are standing still and are heads are spinning as if we are all starring in the Excorcist.

So if ever you log on & pull up this page and I haven’t posted for a while. I am KISS(ing) mother nature.


POOF



hehehehehe that was me vanishing….

Before I get tagged, I'll lay it all out for you

LAYER ONE

Name: Keesha

Birthdate: 8/29/1973

Birthplace: Edgewood, KY

Current Location: Florence, KY

Eye Color: Blue

Hair Color: Brown

Righty or Lefty: Righty

Sun Sign: Virgo

Innie or Outie: Innie

LAYER TWO

Your heritage: Native American and some others.

The shoes you wore today: Nike Air
Your hair: Curly working on a mullet ROFL

Your eyes: pathway to my heart, the color of them change with what I wear

Your weakness: My temper

Your fears: being bitten by a spider, snake, or shark

Your perfect Pizza: Mio’s Stuffed Pepperoni

One thing you'd like to achieve: Becoming a parent again.

LAYER THREE

Your most overused phrase on IM: lol
Your first waking thoughts: I am grateful to have lived another day.
The first feature you notice in the opposite sex: Abs

Your best physical feature: My eyes

Your bedtime: When I fall down.
Your greatest accomplishment: Motherhood

Your most missed memory: Getting to see my son ride his “big boy” bike w/o training wheels. Thank you for taping it honey!

LAYER FOUR

Pepsi or coke: Pepsi

McDonald's or Burger King: McDonald's

Single or group dates: Don’t know haven’t been there in a LONG time!

Sneakers or sandals: Depends

Caribou or Starbucks: NEITHER Waffle House!

Cake or ice cream: BOTH, there is NO or in cake & ice cream? Who wrote this shit?

Coffee or tea: COFFEE

LAYER FIVE

Smoke: Sometimes
Cuss: Damn straight, shit fire, hell, mother fucking, yes!

Sing: a lot

Take a shower everyday: Almost

Have a crush: For the last 8 years

Who are they: my wife

Do you think you've been in love: Yes

College: Yes

Liked high school: Hated it

Married: Yes

Believe in yourself: Yes

Type with your fingers on the right keys: Yes, except when the fairies have sex on my keyboard.

Think you're attractive: on good hair days
Think you're a health freak: NOT
Get along with your parents: Yes

Play an instrument: Guitar, a little.

LAYER SIX

In the past month did you:drink alcohol: Yes

smoke: Yes

do a drug: um does advil count?

make out: yes

go on a date: yes

eat an entire box of oreos: no

eat sushi: no

been on stage: yesbeen dumped: no

gone skating: no

made homemade cookies: no

been in love: yes

gone skinny dipping: no

dyed your hair: no

stolen anything: yes….LONG STORY!

called in sick to work: no

been to the airport to fly or pick someone up: YES

met someone new on the internet: yes

paid too much for gasoline: yes

spoke to someone in the military: yes, and I thanked him

LAYER SEVEN

Have you ever...

Played a game that required removal of clothing: yes

If so, was it mixed company: yes

Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: yes

Been caught "doing something": yes

Been called a tease: yes

Gotten beaten up: yes

Shoplifted: yes

If so, did you get caught: no

Changed who you were to fit in: yes

LAYER EIGHT

hope to be married: legally
numbers and names of children: 1, and not sharing his name

how do you want to die: how ever my maker wishes

where did you go to college: Northern Kentucky University GO NORSE!
what do you want to do when you grow up: what I do right now, Aircraft Dispatcher

what country would you most like to visit: Italy

LAYER NINE

number of people you've kissed: too many too count

number of boy/girlfriends you've had: MANY boyfriends, 2 girlfriends

number of illegal drugs taken: one, does it count if I didn’t inhale?

number of people I could trust with my life: I have a lot of QUALITY friend Honesty = Trust = Respect = Love
number of CD's that I own: about A LOT
number of piercings: 5number of tattoos: one

number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: several

number of scars on my body: Several

number of things in my past I regret: none, since I worked the steps

Cross your legs :x

This post is for pure enjoyment. I hadn't heard this file in years, but it still had me doubled over laughing about to piss my pants. Hence, crossing your legs. I am in a great mood today, it is a wonderful day to be alive (even though the sun has yet to peek through the clouds). I hope you enjoy this as much as I did.

WARNING: ADULT CONTENT NOT SUITED FOR CHILDREN

JOE DEER

Have a laugh on me!

Gratitude is the soil that joy grows in.

I do not post my 5 gratitudes here on a daily basis and I believe that I explained before that I don't because they are the same everyday, and that the ones I add to the daily gratitudes are personal. HOWEVER, I have words of wisdom today regarding gratitude that I must share with you. I love to read all of your gratitudes from blog to blog it often gives me insight to who you are, and how you are. I read some and chuckle, I read some and cry, I read some and pray for your comfort, I read some and get angry these are the ones I don't like. (BEFORE you send me hate mail this is NOT directed toward anyone inparticular!)

I simply get angry because there are buts in the gratitude. That screams to me that there is not a true since of gratitude. (IMNSHO) You can't say "I am grateful the sky is blue today, but I have seen it more blue." So...I saw this picture and I decided I had to post it here for all of the world to see what I think TRUE gratitude is.

It's colder than a witches titty in a brass bra

or at least it was last night in the Gorge. If I had balls I would have froze my balls off! The cold kept me from sleeping, and I am exhausted now, so all you get today is some more Gorge pictures.

Gorge Pics 2

Well now C, CC Rider Horns

KCinKY has left the building. I am going to the Gorge again tonight so no post other than this one on Thursday, maybe even Friday. So all you get is a few side notes for thought while I am outta here.

I am tyring to name my new photography business. I got a call today from the yellow pages and they want me to advertise with them. I have no name for my picture takin' biznass. I want something witty, and maybe a lil' funny(no not funny queer, funny ha ha), LIKE ME!

E-Mail me with your suggestion.

Freedom Is NOT Free

I lived near Washington D.C. for about four years of my life. I remember many things about being that close to our Nation’s Capital. First the honor and prestige I felt when I entered the city for the first time. The admiration of the beauty imagined and created by our forefathers. However, the single most memorable moment I have from that city (other than my commitment ceremony) is standing in front of the Korean War Memorial and staring at this wall. The wall says “Freedom Is Not Free”. I walked back and forth, around, in and out of every single part of the monument. All I could do was stand there stare in awe at the beauty of it all.

If you have never been there, you just can’t imagine it from pictures. It was overcast and drizzling the first time we went to the memorial, which is what, brought me to tears. The soldiers are wearing trench coats and full fear, and it looked so realistic. The monument has strategic lighting and marbled tiles as to reflect the soldiers’ images on to the wall that says freedom is not free. A marble wall is also used as to capture the reflection, but it also is carved. The further you walk along the deeper the wall is carved. The carvings are faces. More and more of them the further you walk, and reflected in their faces are the soldiers behind you.

Gazing at the wall millions of images competed for my attention. September 11th was very fresh in my heart and mind, I prayed for our soldiers whose lives were preserving the way I live. The way of life I know as my own was instilled by my parents My God, My Country, and My Family. These are the foundations that I walk upon day in and day out.

Growing up in the home of a Vietnam Veteran was very rough for me. In fact our freedoms being defended may have possible contributed to the loss of many things in my childhood. You see my father went to war a preacher; he returned a drunken drug addict. He left part of himself in Nam. I can’t, nor do I want to visualize the things he in fact saw. Human bodies are resilliant, but our minds, hearts, and souls are quite fragile. I presume that if many of us went through what our soldiers do (and are expected to do) we would come home fucked up too.

I visualize that saying FREEDOM IS NOT FREE everytime I look at my father. I see the wall & hear Metallica’s One in my ears… I am a rather visual person, perhaps this is my association I have fashioned as an explanation for my father’s silence. When I ask my father about the day he gave his leg to defend the U.S.A. He gallantly says “Honey if you could have seen it over there. We have it so much better than they do.”

Thank you Dad! Thank you to all of our Army, Air Force, Marines, and Navy men and women across the globe. Many don’t know it but we owe you our lives.

Drought

In an effort to end my comment drought from the majority of my readers...( Ms. Meg, thank you!) I am going back to my Philisophical (opinionated & judgemental) posts...lol

I love to write, and I love to share my often times off the wall views of things. I took a test about a year ago that said this trait made me opinionated & judgmental. My friends say I am philosophical, so screw that personality test, I am sure it was base on "NORMAL" people anyway.

I hate that word. What is normal? Well, let me tell you my definition of "NORMAL".

The K. Carnes dictionary of EVERYDAY, states:

Normal the standards by which society judges your measure of fitting in with them, being a responsible uneventful human being, and moreover uses this judgement to make themselves feel better about who they are. .

Guess what, I don’t exactly fit into that description, as I got slapped with another label, HOMO. (Just for a moment picture yourself living in KY, and being gay…Do you remember all they KY jokes you have heard?) Ask me if I give a shit. I don’t like descriptors that don’t involve emotion. They are lifeless words that serve no purpose for me. I am sure they serve a purpose to someone, but if you ask me (and by coming here you did BTW), they serve a purpose to people who don’t deal with their own demons so they need to judge everyone else. Hence my loving the "MEAN PEOPLE SUCK" bumper sticker.

I have a new label for myself, tortoise, NO I don’t move slowly. I do however stay in my shell until I know it is SAFE (feeling word) to come out. LOL maybe I should have thought about that analogy BEFORE I typed it. Coming out…ROFL Oh well fuck it, that stays. As I often say, there is light on the other side of the closet door honey.

That’s all I have to say about that.

I don’t know where the point of my rant is now, but it was going somewhere. I did just have a "AH-HA" moment as Meg calls it. I just realized why I am so anti-label. My dad was all about them when he was drinking. I don’t get that though, people always gave him hell because he had a wooden leg, TONS of labels.

That’s enough for now, maybe tomorrow you’ll get to hear why I am so patriotic, and my moment of tears and realization as to why I am so patriotic.

What don't I do?

The other evening I went out with a few friends, we spent the evening in a bar chatting and listening to the karaoke singers. We laughed and had a good time talking about all of the things we have been doing and have done to our houses. I had put my name in for a quick tune, it was called. I jumped up belted it out, and came back to our table when my friend says "Is there anything you can't do? You are a do-it-yourselfer, a writer, a photographer so tell me what don't you do?" We laughed and went on with our evening. We went to Waffle House (imagine that) and got the shittiest Waffle House service I have ever had so we walked out and went to Stake-N-Shake, where we received some more not so great service. We did however enjoy people watching all of the drunks.

After I woke up the next morning I began to think about what he said. As we say here in KY, I am a jack of many trades and master of none. I do tons of things to occupy my time. I never really thought about it before the other night. So since my brain is spinning full of what I do/did/done or am, today you get a list. Not in any specific order.

1. I am a professional people watcher. LOL, just ask anyone who knows me about this one. I don't watch for a person's clothes, I want to see their body language and hear what they say while the talk with their bodies.
2. I write songs, poetry, short-stories, and a blog.
3. I take pictures, all kinds.
4. I like to piddle around on my guitar and play a tune, while singing of course. :)
5. I am a wife and mother.
6. I am a friend to many, sponsor to one.
7. My friends and family think I am their personal Geek Squad (Computer Person).
8. I am not bound by society's label for me.
9. I hear with my heart.
10. I very STRONGLY believe that there is only one way to acheive love mine or anyone elses. It is a formula that leads one into another. Without one of the three you can't have true love, at least, IMNSHO. Honesty = Respect = Trust=LOVE
11. I HATE CHAIN LETTERS/E-MAILS!!!!
12. I am NOT modeled in the shadow of Job, I wish I was. I am for ever telling myself that patience is a virtue, not just one of my favorite songs.
13. I love to send out a good joke, and hope that when I do it makes you smile and brightens your day.
14. I am quite handy around the house.
15. I have many, many friends and most all of the a close friends that I could say anything to.
16. I don't post my gratefuls on my blog because they are the same everyday, and the other things I am grateful for are much too personal to list here.
17. I read this list and think I might have ADHD, and am done listing.

Cheese & Rice

I don't much feel like writing tonight. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Here is another poem for you. This is about my friend Bill. He passed away a few years back. I wrote this poem so I would always remember how light hearted he was most of the time. It is by far not one of my best, but it was written as a rememberance, and it make sense to me.

ONE DAY A MAN WALKED INTO MY LIFE
I COULDN’T BELIEVE THE WAY HE TOUCHED MY HEART
HE WAS ONE OF THE BRIGHTEST STARS OF NIGHT
IN MY HEART WE WILL NEVER BE APART

I LOVED HIM THEN AND I LOVE HIM NOW
I CAN HEAR HIS GRAVELY VOICE TONIGHT
I KNOW WHAT HE’D SAY AND JUST HOW
“KEESHA WHAT THE WORLD, CHEESE & RICE!”

I WISH BILL KNEW HOW HE TOUCHED US ALL
WHEN HE SANG THAT VINCE GILL SONG
I KEEP PACING, WAITING FOR HIS PHONE CALL
BILL, WE’LL BE TOGETHER SOON IT WON’T BE LONG

I JUST WANT THE WORLD TO HEAR ME
TODAY, TOMORROW, NEXT WEEK—MONTH—YEAR
WE’LL ALL REMEMBER HOW BILL MADE US SEE
HOW TO LAUGH INSTEAD OF SHEDDING A TEAR

BY: KCinKY

Growth & Change

Life has taught me many things;
And has shown me how to dream.
I have seen many things come & go;
But I never dreamed of loving one so.

I have so many memories of you;
And at times I haven’t known what to do.
So if you could spare a minute for me;
There is something I need you to see.

I know time changes the way you look at me;
And I don’t know who you expect me to be.
I have grown beside you & with you;
And I have never known a love so true.

I remember the first time you lay in my arms;
I swore I’d protect you from the world’s harms.
You broke the deepest silence with your first cry;
And at that moment I swore I’d never leave your side.

Your first smile spoke a thousand words;
And I knew that not one of them would be deferred.
When our lips first met for a kiss;
I realized there wasn’t a minute I’d miss.

Your first Mama grabbed my soul;
And I prayed I’d never have to let you go.
The first steps I ever saw you take;
Led to endless others that together we’d make.

Every minute of every hour of every day;
I learned how to be who I am today.
So if in your eyes I have changed;
That’s because our lives have been rearranged.

Someday you will see I have kept my word;
Also you will know feelings you’ve not heard.
There is not enough paper or ink to accommodate;
What I now know was my fate…

The first time I had to truly spank you;
It hurt me worse than it did you.
And the first time you held my hand tight;
I saw the world with your little sight.


We have traveled together through many years;
And we both have cried a lot of tears.
Learning together the lessons of life;
Growing more & more different or alike.

So though time changes your view;
I’d like you to see what is true.
Together we have grown and, even changed;
But my love filled promises to you still remains.

Now it is your turn to take my hand;
So that you can come to understand:
Growth & change never come to an end;
And sometimes mother is your only friend.


Keesha N. Carnes
4/12/1999 at 5:30 a.m.

Coffee, Cravings, Computers, Cursing.

If you have visited the other blogs I read, you will see JJ be grateful for her 3 C's. I told her she needed four C's, as she is the original "F" bomb factory...lol One of her C's is cigarettes. Since I quit smoking I have the cravings instead of cigarettes. Then the ramblings of my mind said, Hmmm JJ could have the 5 C’s if that’s the case. So JJ, I am going to ramble off some bullshit here that everyone else is going to read, but that is primarily for you.

I have never been a drinker or a "hard hitting" drug user, however, (being the product of my environment that I am) I know that I could easily fall into that pattern. My wife drinks and usually keeps alcohol in the house. We were living in a new place, w/ new employers, and no familial support. I can’t tell you how many times we had 15-hour ass kicking days, which would bring me to the refrigerator door contemplating reaching in for a brew. I think those moments were some of the hardest I had faced since I began the program and had worked the steps the first time.

I used to smoke pot sometimes on occasion and other times often. I used to lie to myself and everyone around me and say that I smoked it to get into the zone that allowed me to be analytical and work out the corked bottle of champagne inside my heart & soul. BULLSHIT! I smoked because it made me numb; it also made me laugh which made me appear happy. Sure I had fun, and hell I didn’t even have to suffer a hang over in the morning. Not of the physical type anyhow.

I firmly believe that when we drink, smoke, snort, shoot-up, or whatever else we are trying to avoid our emotional hangover. Life sucks when you walk the straight and narrow and the 12 steps suck even worse when you work it right. I remember how all of it made me feel I FUCKING hated everything: I hated my mind, heart, soul, life, family, "friends", the world, the program, the shit I had calmly laid into place that the program stirred up. Most of all I hated that motherfucker across from me telling me (supporting me while I learned) how to fix it all.
When that epiphany hits us (the one that causes us to start the program) why don’t we think about the road ahead? The one that is the most extensive journey we will ever embark on. While fixing oneself inside and out we lose VERY bad habits, and pick up smaller less damaging ones along the way.

I told my sponsor that if he wanted to live through my fourth step he wouldn’t mention abstinence from smoking anywhere near me! The coffee kept me going when my heart sagged to all time lows. The smokes kept me sane when my brain went to la-la land. The computer helped me get the emotions out (of the chamber they had been locked up in) faster, way faster. The cussing now that just make me fucking feel better damn-it!
Unlike JJ, I forget that I am in the "proper" crowd half the time, so most people think I am obnoxious, when I am really just a giant ass teddy bear. Anyhow, my point in all this was that I started this journey 17 years ago, and I LIVED THROUGH IT! I lived through it one shitty ass motherfucking day at a time.

As I told my friend MsMeg, these are the days when we are FINE.

F – Fucked Up
I – Insecure
N - Neurotic
E – Emotional

Raw emotion will make people do some fucked up shit that they normally wouldn’t do, that’s why we work it everyday. The days soon start to get shorter, better, and less shitty. Until they begin to pass uneventful we all need our C’s, no matter how many there are.

Take care of you JJ, and just think of it this way, your bad habits are not as bad as they used to be. If you are feeling FINE, you can curse in my ear!

Take only pictures, leave only footprints.

WOW, what a relase.

I stood on top of this ridge today and just cried at the beauty that only God's hands could have created. The colors were so vibrant and perfectly placed it was a masterpiece of nature. I took my pictures, left my footprints(and my cares), and now here I am sharing it all with you. I love day trips, especially when Indian summer sweeps through here.

I was reminded of so much today. The drive in was as expected the cares began to melt away with every breath and every mile I grew closer. Every sight I took in shook my soul. The pictures, don't even do it justice. The more I walked the heavier gravity weighed on me, causing me to replant my feet firmly on the ground. I enjoyed being away, and just being.

The best part of the day was driving back the gravel road to the trail I wanted to hike, and the radio belting out what I needed to hear "Let it be, Let it be, There will be an answer, Let It Be." I looked at Jen and said "That's it!" (By the way thanks for the smack on the head God.)

We parked on the side of the road and hiked the trail. We stopped on the way back and giggled. We visited this very trail SEVEN years ago when we very first began dating, her w/ her dreadlocks, and me w/ hair growing out and no particular style. We giggled that it had been so long, and that my hair looks today, kind of like it did then. Her's ofcourse is straight and VERY long now.

The Gorge will always be apart of my life, when I get to old to hike to Natural Bridge I'll ride the sky lift! Check out the pictures. I was quite forgetful today. I forgot the bag of apples for my trip, and I forgot to pray. So fitting for today, is the prayer the D.J. and I used to say together when he learned how to talk.

Thank you for the world so sweet,

Thank you for the food we eat.

Thank you for the birds that sing,

Thank you God for everything.

Picture Link:

Red River Gorge Pictures

WTF, OVER!

My head has been spinning for days; I tried calming it by writing about the Gorge. I tried clearing it by crying all day. Now I have reverted to screaming and yelling.

WHAT THE FUCK?

Everything around me is spinning out of control, of course I am powerless, but this is one of those weeks where God wants to prove it to me. I am rolling out to the Gorge first thing this morning. I can't wait I need calming and yesterday would have been too soon.

First, I was a victim of instability, due to the airline's situation. I can't recover from that because none of my bosses are talking, so I just have to sit and sulk in it. Then I was overcome with a range of emotions from a long-standing relationship in my life taking on a new direction. Then I felt sorrow for one of my dearest friends whom lost his mother, and felt VERY sad that I couldn't be with he & his wife to comfort them. Then Victoria sent me her reality check, I needed it, but it still made me feel like shit. Only because I felt like I had been self-indulgent and hadn't concentrated on all things important. Then I was encouraged as I began to get phone calls for portrait appointments. I have been exceptionally lonesome since my best friend here (in KY) has seemed to drop off the face of the earth. Then I was sad & fucking mad when I talked to my male alter ego and he told me a story about his beau. (Note to my alter ego, the topic can not be reopened for discussion right now I think I am having pseudo PMS, long story short, I feel & know you are able to do MUCH better.) Anyhow, now I just feel like a shit swirl gone mad. OH, and by the way, to my homeboy in ATL, NOW would be a great time for you to come and hear your "Sister Carnes" PREACHING!

I can feel my body tensing, my mind convulsing in confusion, my hearts emotions entangling, and my soul screaming. TIME THE FUCK OUT! I know when I need it and I am calling it!
I would love to own a punching bag right now, but I don't and damn sure can't afford it. I do think however, that I will be purchasing a bag of apples to whale at the trees tomorrow for a little aggression reliever. There is something about them exploding into a million pieces and not harming anything including the environment that is truly invigorating, it is a great release, and I highly recommend it if you have a temper like mine.

I am quite certain that you can tell by my ramblings that I am in an unusual shape. Most of you have not seen me in before. Don’t get used to it, the alcoholic’s child will take over soon and repress all of the raw shit before you here. It’s instinct, I am hoping that my writing about all of this will keep me from doing that, but I don’t know. I have never been in this type of position before. I have never been this vested in a life, in my friends, my lover, and the life I have created for my son.

A while back, my girl used to use this quote "Freaking out, I’ll show you freaking out!" I don’t know what it’s from, but it totally summarizes how I feel right now.
I know it is just a storm blowing through, and the wind of change often carries us to unfamiliar territories. I am a weathered ship that keeps on sailing toward that beacon of light I see in the darkest night, but damn it I am tired of the sea raging, the winds howling, and the night never ending, so I pray:

God, grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

the courage to change the things I can;

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Red River Gorge on my mind

Photo by: Tom Uhlman Photography

This is the place for me. This is where I go to melt all my cares away. This is where I don't have to say serenity now. It is my love, my life, my tradition, and much more. When I drive to "the Gorge" (as we locals call it) I get this wonderful growing calm that begins in the pit of my soul and engulfs all of me until I feel the weight of the world peel away. The closer my car gets to the Gorge the more relaxed I am. I am thinking about hopping my ass in the car Wednesday morning and taking a drive. I would love to take pictures like this. I have a lot of pics from there, but the leaves would be another notch on the old hiking stick for me down there.

There are a few scary things about the Gorge...The locals for one, alot of them could have starred in Deliverance. You know they look at you like "You sure do got a purty mouth!" OMFG they scare the shit out of me. Then there are the many steep drop offs & cliffs that pose a physical danger. The one thing I have never found that is a danger to my mind, heart, or soul.

Can you imagine coming around the curb upon this bridge(below) and seeing allof these trees in their various colors right now? I can, and I think I will Wednesday. If I go you will get a bunch of visuals from me, until then I will just have to dream about the drive, and the views, and the feeling I get from being there!